My Fair Lady

Last night was midnight madness at the luxurious South Florida fair. This fair is one of the biggest fairs I have ever seen. It is how I imagine fairs to be in the 50's or 60's, before they became modeled after white trash city council meetings. But I digress. This had all the fair games you would come to expect, throwing darts at stuff, breaking beer bottles, shooting hoops, trying not to step in puke or touch anything. It also had all the fair staples like hot dog stands, candy stands, overpriced beer with gnats in it, tons of guys who look at your girlfriend's chest, tons of girl's chests whom you ignore because your with your girlfriend and she knows that other dudes are looking at her chest so she keeps checking your eyes every time another chest walks by. They also had some pretty awesome rides for a fair. When we first went inside, we had to play a game.

"Three dollars, break three balloons win a prize!"

"Ahhh, I want a puppy dog."

"Then you play, I'm not drunk enough to talk to carnies yet."

"Hey there, pretty thing. Put you legs right up here (unnecessarily touches butt) and put your pretty little arm up like this (unnecessarily gropes arm) and just throw it."

Pop

Pop

thunk

"Okay, for three more dollars you can try again and win this puppy no matter what."

"Now this time just stand up here (butt) and hold here (hand) and let go."

thunk

pop

thunk

"Okay, well here's your puppy."



"Geeze, I can't believe I spent six bucks on this."

"Think of it as helping to buy that guy a new ear."

Next it was off to see the sites. First we paid two dollars and saw the smallest horse in the world. It was really the smallest horse, it was cute. Then we paid two bucks and saw the biggest horse in the world. And believe me, after seeing the littlest horse in the world, he looked huge. It was weird, my wiener was still bigger than his though. Then we saw the biggest snake in the world. It was pretty cool as well. Now all of this exhibits had the same style paintings on the wall and the same voice coming over the megaphone explaining what was in the booth. My girlfriend went in to see Tiny Tina, only 29 inches tall. I chose not to participate in this one. She came out and could only describer her as "like a little meatball with a little phone who was texting." I tell you all this, but really it was the last one of these exhibits that was the best. There on the sign, amongst a huge crowd said, "Snake Girl, the beautiful head of a girl, the grotesque body of a snake." No way. It has to be just some deformed snake, or lizard or something. "She'll answer all of your questions!" What! How! Maybe some girl had a microphone for it or something. Okay, okay. Let's go.


It was just a stuffed snake with a girl sitting in a box with only her head showing. Now, mind you, the sign clearly said beautiful girl....I don't want to judge...but she was red faced and sweating her ass off. Another thing, it said she can answer any question. My girlfriend asked, "Are you comfortable?" and the snake beast replied "Are you comfortable." But the best part of the exhibit came when we stood outside and watched others pay to see this freak of nature. Here are some comments I heard.


"ah, shit. Come on."
"She ain't even pretty."
"Just a chick in a box, I can see that shit at home."
"They are probably going to make 5 thousand dollars tonight, I can't believe that."

I don't know why that guy had a chick in a box at home.... The best part was this Asian family came up. There were seven of them. It looks like they already had a successful day at the fair. The kids were tired, they had prizes. They were on there way out. Then the little boy wants to go inside. The father was debating it. He looked at the sign.

"It's just a snake right?"

The guy taking the money gave him a blank look and turned around to see the sign. He just read it aloud.

"Snake with the head of a beautiful girl, body of a grotesque snake." Then he shrugged. The dad tried to convince the son it was nothing, but then the wife got curious. Then the grandma, and soon the dad was forking out seven dollars to see snake girl. When they came out, the grandma was mad, the older girl and boy were laughing, the dad and mom were mad. Then the little boy came out last. He looked bewildered.

"How does it poop?"

And finally, my predictions came true. I ended up eating two thirds of a hotdog, a half a bag of fries, a pizza with one bite taken out of it, nachos, four beers, the "gross" portions of a cotton candy bag, and a funnel cake. The funnel cake was at the end of the night. Something to eat on the long trek back to the car. But then it started pouring. I mean, torrential downpour and my girlfriend has an iphone. Unfortunatly the bag the funnel cake came in was waterproof, so I had to eat the funnel cake, as it was getting soggy from the rain in order to get the bag. Then we had to run to the car. I don't know if you've ever had to chugg a funnel cake and run, but it doesn't work out. I spent the rest of the night with a huge stomach ache, and powdered sugar under my fingernails. It was awesome.

I forgot to add that we rode this spinning ride thing that this guy named Genius operated. Every time we spun by his window I would go, "Come on Geeenius." mocking him, thinking he would spin us faster. After about nine of these the ride ended. As we walked by his window he just gave me a nasty glare, he had taken his name tag that said genius off, and he was typing on his phone. I like to think he was texting Tiny Tina about how he can't wait until the fair was closed, so they could make love until the sun came up.